Thursday, October 8, 2009

Heidi's Pet Peevs.

I was being ranty and bitchy today, and i compiled a list of all my pet peevs.

1. People who only take pictures of themselves and consider it photography. I mean. I don't care how damn cute you are. Look into modeling then.

2. Posers, who are like "Oh, i'm way cute, cause i still play with pokemon and action figures! :)"
But really, they don't know anything about that, and they're just trying to be cute.

3. Peopleee whooo talkkk likkeee thissssssss causseeee itssss "cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

4. The girls who are like "Oh, i'm such a tomgirl." and make up stories about their "boyish" past, just to be "CUTE"

5. The whiney tone that some girls use to get attention, like "awwww, tonnnniiiiiieeeeee, pleeeeeeeeeese?"

6. I hate fake laughs. like, the ones built for one purpose: to get attention. Laughs are meant to express happiness, not make you sound "cute."

7. When girls always add "txttttt/calllll the celll!!:) 319-###-####!!" at the end of every status update. i mean, why would you even put your number on there? gross.

I also realized that most of these are when girls are constantly trying to be "cute."
i mean, whatever.
hoes.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Am I really "OK"?

he was my everything. now, he's my nothing. can't he be my something?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I realized.

I talked about him all the time, because I needed to reassure myself.

I stuck up for him all the time, because i wanted to believe what i was saying was true.

Sometimes, he would sneakily tear my confidence down, without me even noticing. it got to the point where i barely believe in myself anymore.

He made me think that he was all the better i deserved.

I dated him for 9 fucking months.

Really… what was i thinking? I’m glad I made this mistake. I’m glad. Cause now i wont make another. Because unlike you, i learn from my mistakes.

I don’t miss him.

I find it hard to believe I used to love him.

After those messages he sent, i barely even care anymore.

People were nice to him just because of me.

Thats 9 months of my life i’m never getting back.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Update on my life.

In case we havent talked in a while, this is for you.

1) Me and Alex broke up.
He skipped my 16th birthday party to play videogames.

2) Now, alex is being a huge dick.
"this is the last im talking to you this summer, i cant stand it anymore, you are being so fucking two faced i dont know what the fuck you want from me. i fucking told you we could save it but you were too fucking wraped up in your precious mychal to fucking give me a chance. i cant talk or think of you without getting pissed then depressed and wanting to break into tears. the blood of my destroyed heart is on YOUR hands and it forever will be. hope fucking mychal is worth losing me, prolly forever. i earsed all your phoney love messeges from my phone because they were never true. and your note? you took EVERYTHING i said to you about how we could save us and said it to me. im gone, this is my goodbye"

3) Good news? Mychal.
We're dating. Here's how:
He gave me a mailbox, filled with animals he won from a crane machine.
and a envelope. inside, was my 2 favorite pokemon cards, and a note asking me out.
so of course i said yes =]

4) I'm grounded, until tuesday. =/ so if i havent replyed to your texts, i dont hate you.

5) I'm definately pumped for next weekend. =]

6) I'm getting to know Holly Hildreth (MY FREAKIN' PHOTO IDOL) through mychal. she said she likes me, and she likes my pictures!!!!11one

7) I bought a laptop for 700$. =P

8) Eight things? i'm lame.

butyeah.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

well...

1:25amMychal
i don't know that any girl has ever made me smile in my life as much as you have this past week. i think you're really something special. just too good to be true

1:27amMychal
You know why i slept last night? cuz i was thinkin about my new friend. and i was excited for today and i knew that in my dream, you would surely be there. all very good reasons to sleep. i haven't slept like that in almost a year.

1:28amHeidi
and you told me i couldnt help you sleep. :)

1:30amMychal
well i didn't think so at the time. and i'm oprolly gonna sleep well again tonight. i have the image of the left side of your face in my head. cuz, not to be creepy, but i think i looked at you almost as much as the movie. i don't know why. i just couldn't look away for very long

1:31amHeidi
=]]]

1:31amMychal
sorry if that's creepy =/

1:31amHeidi
its actually really not creepy. not to me at least.
i just dont see why..

1:33amMychal
why what?

1:33amHeidi
why you like me as much as you say you do.

1:35amMychal
cuz you're simply amazing. you're kind, caring, fun, funny, cute, you make me happy when i'm with or talking to you, i just, i don't know, i'm just drawn to you. i think you're amazing.

1:36amHeidi
i don't know if i've told you this, but i really like you.

1:40amHeidi
can i tell you a secret?

1:40amMychal
yes

1:40amHeidi
promise not to laugh

1:40amMychal
yes
promise.

1:41amHeidi
tonight, in the theatre, i really wanted to hold your hand. but i was afraid it would creep you out.
sorry if thats awkward. i wanted to tell you.

1:42amMychal
can i tell you a secret?

1:42amHeidi
what?


1:44amMychal
i did too... but it was way before the theater

1:44amHeidi
like when?

1:44amMychal
like at the mall. and in the car when we were lost but you were driving

1:45amHeidi
that was so embarrasing. lol.

1:45amMychal
it happens... but like... i really wanted too.

1:45amHeidi
so did i.

1:46amMychal
why didn't you?

1:47amHeidi
like i said, i thought you were kind of out of my league, and i didnt want to scare you and lose you as a friend.

1:47amMychal
out of your league? seriously? like? really? did you get dropped as a child? it is literally the other way around

1:49amHeidi
well, you're in college, i'm in high school. you have lots of really popular friends and such, i'm just a cheerleader, you're you, and i'm me.

1:49amMychal
if you'll scroll up you'll notice that i like you.
a lot.
bunches.

1:50amHeidi
if you could read minds, you'd understand how much i like you.



"i want to ask you out so badly, you don't even know. i'm just... you're so amazing. i can't even believe you're real. i don't wanna screw up when i do."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Starts with goodbye

today, i was editing my calendar on my ipod.
On the 28th, there was an event that said "Me and alex's 10 month! <33"
Tears gathered in my eyes and i clicked the 'delete event' button
A message then popped up that said "this is a repeating event, would you like to delete all future events?" i felt the tears roll down as i clicked yes.
because there wouldnt be any more anniversaries.

last night, i couldnt sleep until 2 AM. then, i woke up bawling 15 minutes later, after having a bad dream, about him, of course.
i climbed into bed with my mom, like a young child afraid of a thunderstorm. but this is one thunderstorm that is going to linger for a long time.
i don't know when this will end.
i don't know if this will end.
and i don't even know if i want it to end.
yes, i still love him. yes, i know he hurt me a lot, and i shouldn't love him.

when will this make sense? all anyone tells me is "it will get better, blah blah blah"
and you're probably reading this, thinking "she's overreacting, she doesnt know what she wants, this is normal for her to have these doubts."

i really dont think i've ever been "normal", but truely, only time will tell.
i can't go on living my life like this.
the only thing i've eaten since sunday is some goldfish and cream cheese. i've lost 6 pounds in 3 days. i'm not trying to be anorexic, i just can't bring myself to eat.

and i never realized how many parts of my life were attached to him. i can't go to flagland without remembering our picnic. i can't wear my necklaces without the image of him putting it on me coming. i can't use my phone without seeing the old messages from him. and all the parts of my house, we had once sat there, happy and carefree. i can't do anything without thinking about him. and i can't think about him without tears coming to my eyes.

last night, i played the piano for the first time in a while. i played until i couldnt see the notes through my tear-filled eyes, as i remembered that i recorded that song, and put it on his ipod, and he listened to it. he liked it.


Starts with Goodbye
Carrie Underwood
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

To you.

I'm glad you did this.
I am glad.
Because if you hadnt, I would have gone on thinking you were such a great friend, and gone on believing a lie.
But now that you've taught me my lesson, its time to stop.
Really, the only one you've hurt is you. You've lost more friends than i have. And you had to sink to a whole new low to do that.
In case you didn't know, I pray for you. I really do.
I want you to get help. To start seeing things the way they are, and quit acting like this. Because at some point, you're going to have to mature and handle things like an adult.
And the sooner, the better. I actually feel bad seeing you do this to yourself,
regardless of whether or not we're friends.
regardless of what rumors you've spread.
regardless of what you've done to try to break me.
Because no matter what you do to me, we were friends once, and i don't just close friends off like that. I'm not saying we'll always be friends, I'm just saying I'll always care deep down.
This is just to let you know that I'm praying for you.
I'm praying for you to figure some things out.

from,
someone more mature than you.

Monday, March 30, 2009

the piano.

She sat down silently
on that solid oak bench
and smoothly clicked on the light.
While she quietly slid her fingers into position,
she heard the familiar click of the television.
Biting her lip, she softly pressed the keys.
Steadily painting a picture of sound,
building a musical wall against her troubles.
But that wall began to crumble,
as the television slowly crescendoed in the background,
and her hopes started to diminuendo.
She trudged on,
pouring her soul onto those
sad, monochromatic ivory strips,
Trying to tune out the steady increase of the television volume.
As the roar of the tube grew louder.
Quieter and quieter she became
until there was but a whisper;
A whisper of hope left beneath
the embankment of tribulations.
A tear silently slid down her fair cheek,
as she reached up and smoothly clicked off the light.
And the ensuing darkness soon engulfed everything
except the glow of the television set.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Story

We were driving home from His house, very late on a cold, snowy eve.
The stop sign was approaching quickly.
"Are you going to stop or what?" i inquired.
"I'm trying"he said quickly.
I held my breath as i heard the brakes lock.
The car started skidding, slowly, then more uncontrollably.
I gasped as the car spun all the way around and flew into a ditch.
A large wooden telephone pole caught my eye, and i prayed we didnt hit it.
When i opened my eyes, the car was stopped.
I looked around, and noticed the telephone pole, less than a foot in front of the car.
It hit me: If we had been going one mph faster,
we would have hit it head on.
and possibly died.
He put the car in reverse, and we slowly backed out, back onto the road.
We sat there for a moment, and he turned to face me.
"i almost killed us. More importantly, i almost killed you."
I will never forget the desophoric sincereity in his eye that night.

Friday, March 27, 2009

seven.

so sadly, here's another blog about alex.
i'm not addicted, i swear, i just write whatever's passing through my mind, and here it is:

i love him.
like, i can't find words.
want to know exactly why i love him?

  • he doesnt get jealous, like other guys.
  • he doesnt give me any reason to be jealous.
  • he doesnt flirt with other girls.
  • he makes me laugh.
  • he knows when something is wrong, and stops at nothing to find out what it is and make it better.
  • the way he looks at me... its not "i want in your pants" or "sure, i guess i love you." its a "i love you so much that not a single word could every start to explain"
  • he believes in my dreams.
  • he usually picks me over his friends.
  • he knows what to say to touch my heart.
  • he gets along with my parents very well. they love him.
  • he buys me stuff to show he cares. i wish he wouldn't. =P
  • we can be together all day, and not get sick of each other, and still complain about having to leave.
  • i can't stay mad at him for more than a day.
  • he does very cute, spontaneous things. (chocolate malts, climbing trees, counting the stars...)
  • he will never leave me, i can just tell.
  • when he does something wrong, he does everything in his power to make it better.
  • his friends are nice.
  • he doesnt care what any body thinks of him.
  • he's so awkward and cute.
  • he's very stubborn, he doesnt change himself and what he's about.
  • we have shared interests.
  • we're polar opposites.
  • he's not like other boys- not addicted to porn/masturbating/video games.
  • he's smart, great plans for his future.

all this, bottled up in a single soul? seems impossible, right?
and did i happen to mention that he's in love with me?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

sixmunths.

its been 6 months.
already?
and we've just begun.
who knows where this will take us.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I am happy.

I was doing a lot of thinking today, and here's what i landed at.

I'm very happy with my life.

  • I get along with my parents better than most people.
  • My parents get along, not divorced, or dead.
  • I have multiple groups of friends.
  • Each group of friends is amazing.
  • I'm very smart, currently in a college class, and a TAG class.
  • I have pretty much the most amazing boyfriend i could ask for.
  • For the most part, I am healthy.
  • Most people like me.
  • I have found what i love to do: piano && photography.
  • I have a large family, all of whom i l0ve and am loved by.
  • I have a nice job, that doesn't conflict with my social life.
  • I have a pretty cool car, that works for me.
  • Even though my ipod was stolen, i have my other ipod.
  • I have an amazing DSLR camera, and 4 other old cameras which are ballin'.

I could ramble on forever, but i won't.

I just want you to know that


I am happy.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

him.

Him: Heidi, I need to talk to you. Its important.
Me: Okay...
Him: I can't do this anymore. Any of it.
Me: ?
Him: My parents wont let me use the phone at all, I have no internet, I'm grounded indefinately, I have no phone, and they're watching me at all the games, So I can't think of any way of talking to you.
Me: Oh...
Him: Heidi, We can't be friends anymore. I can't keep doing this to you. I'm so sorry...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Thats what its all about.

preps.

I've always wondered if they're really happy.
I mean, yeah, they smile, but they smile glamourous smiles. smiles intended to make them look hot. don't they ever just smile because they're happy?

Or do they even know what happy is?

All the pictures I see of them are about the same:

Pushing their makeup-coated cheeks together, they flash a big, white, perfect smile for the camera.
Their versions of inside jokes usually consist of something like saying "i love you" at the same time, or "your mom" jokes.

I finally took the time to take a step back and realize what they really are. What they're really about. And it makes me all the more grateful that i'm not one of them.


I'm thankful i have this:
Why take a ":)" picture, when you could take a "xP" picture?
And i finally realized that true friendship may not always be glamourous,
At least not on the outside. But on the inside,

Friendship is beautiful.