On the 28th, there was an event that said "Me and alex's 10 month! <33"
Tears gathered in my eyes and i clicked the 'delete event' button
A message then popped up that said "this is a repeating event, would you like to delete all future events?" i felt the tears roll down as i clicked yes.
because there wouldnt be any more anniversaries.
last night, i couldnt sleep until 2 AM. then, i woke up bawling 15 minutes later, after having a bad dream, about him, of course.
i climbed into bed with my mom, like a young child afraid of a thunderstorm. but this is one thunderstorm that is going to linger for a long time.
i don't know when this will end.
i don't know if this will end.
and i don't even know if i want it to end.
yes, i still love him. yes, i know he hurt me a lot, and i shouldn't love him.
when will this make sense? all anyone tells me is "it will get better, blah blah blah"
and you're probably reading this, thinking "she's overreacting, she doesnt know what she wants, this is normal for her to have these doubts."
i really dont think i've ever been "normal", but truely, only time will tell.
i can't go on living my life like this.
the only thing i've eaten since sunday is some goldfish and cream cheese. i've lost 6 pounds in 3 days. i'm not trying to be anorexic, i just can't bring myself to eat.
and i never realized how many parts of my life were attached to him. i can't go to flagland without remembering our picnic. i can't wear my necklaces without the image of him putting it on me coming. i can't use my phone without seeing the old messages from him. and all the parts of my house, we had once sat there, happy and carefree. i can't do anything without thinking about him. and i can't think about him without tears coming to my eyes.
last night, i played the piano for the first time in a while. i played until i couldnt see the notes through my tear-filled eyes, as i remembered that i recorded that song, and put it on his ipod, and he listened to it. he liked it.
Starts with Goodbye
Carrie Underwood
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
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