well...

1:25amMychal
i don't know that any girl has ever made me smile in my life as much as you have this past week. i think you're really something special. just too good to be true

1:27amMychal
You know why i slept last night? cuz i was thinkin about my new friend. and i was excited for today and i knew that in my dream, you would surely be there. all very good reasons to sleep. i haven't slept like that in almost a year.

1:28amHeidi
and you told me i couldnt help you sleep. :)

1:30amMychal
well i didn't think so at the time. and i'm oprolly gonna sleep well again tonight. i have the image of the left side of your face in my head. cuz, not to be creepy, but i think i looked at you almost as much as the movie. i don't know why. i just couldn't look away for very long

1:31amHeidi
=]]]

1:31amMychal
sorry if that's creepy =/

1:31amHeidi
its actually really not creepy. not to me at least.
i just dont see why..

1:33amMychal
why what?

1:33amHeidi
why you like me as much as you say you do.

1:35amMychal
cuz you're simply amazing. you're kind, caring, fun, funny, cute, you make me happy when i'm with or talking to you, i just, i don't know, i'm just drawn to you. i think you're amazing.

1:36amHeidi
i don't know if i've told you this, but i really like you.

1:40amHeidi
can i tell you a secret?

1:40amMychal
yes

1:40amHeidi
promise not to laugh

1:40amMychal
yes
promise.

1:41amHeidi
tonight, in the theatre, i really wanted to hold your hand. but i was afraid it would creep you out.
sorry if thats awkward. i wanted to tell you.

1:42amMychal
can i tell you a secret?

1:42amHeidi
what?

1:44amMychal
i did too... but it was way before the theater

1:44amHeidi
like when?

1:44amMychal
like at the mall. and in the car when we were lost but you were driving

1:45amHeidi
that was so embarrasing. lol.

1:45amMychal
it happens... but like... i really wanted too.

1:45amHeidi
so did i.

1:46amMychal
why didn't you?

1:47amHeidi
like i said, i thought you were kind of out of my league, and i didnt want to scare you and lose you as a friend.

1:47amMychal
out of your league? seriously? like? really? did you get dropped as a child? it is literally the other way around

1:49amHeidi
well, you're in college, i'm in high school. you have lots of really popular friends and such, i'm just a cheerleader, you're you, and i'm me.

1:49amMychal
if you'll scroll up you'll notice that i like you.
a lot.
bunches.

1:50amHeidi
if you could read minds, you'd understand how much i like you.


"i want to ask you out so badly, you don't even know. i'm just... you're so amazing. i can't even believe you're real. i don't wanna screw up when i do."

Starts with goodbye

today, i was editing my calendar on my ipod.
On the 28th, there was an event that said "Me and alex's 10 month! <33"
Tears gathered in my eyes and i clicked the 'delete event' button
A message then popped up that said "this is a repeating event, would you like to delete all future events?" i felt the tears roll down as i clicked yes.
because there wouldnt be any more anniversaries.

last night, i couldnt sleep until 2 AM. then, i woke up bawling 15 minutes later, after having a bad dream, about him, of course.
i climbed into bed with my mom, like a young child afraid of a thunderstorm. but this is one thunderstorm that is going to linger for a long time.
i don't know when this will end.
i don't know if this will end.
and i don't even know if i want it to end.
yes, i still love him. yes, i know he hurt me a lot, and i shouldn't love him.

when will this make sense? all anyone tells me is "it will get better, blah blah blah"
and you're probably reading this, thinking "she's overreacting, she doesnt know what she wants, this is normal for her to have these doubts."

i really dont think i've ever been "normal", but truely, only time will tell.
i can't go on living my life like this.
the only thing i've eaten since sunday is some goldfish and cream cheese. i've lost 6 pounds in 3 days. i'm not trying to be anorexic, i just can't bring myself to eat.

and i never realized how many parts of my life were attached to him. i can't go to flagland without remembering our picnic. i can't wear my necklaces without the image of him putting it on me coming. i can't use my phone without seeing the old messages from him. and all the parts of my house, we had once sat there, happy and carefree. i can't do anything without thinking about him. and i can't think about him without tears coming to my eyes.

last night, i played the piano for the first time in a while. i played until i couldnt see the notes through my tear-filled eyes, as i remembered that i recorded that song, and put it on his ipod, and he listened to it. he liked it.

Starts with Goodbye

Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.