To you.

I'm glad you did this.
I am glad.
Because if you hadnt, I would have gone on thinking you were such a great friend, and gone on believing a lie.
But now that you've taught me my lesson, its time to stop.
Really, the only one you've hurt is you. You've lost more friends than i have. And you had to sink to a whole new low to do that.
In case you didn't know, I pray for you. I really do.
I want you to get help. To start seeing things the way they are, and quit acting like this. Because at some point, you're going to have to mature and handle things like an adult.
And the sooner, the better. I actually feel bad seeing you do this to yourself,
regardless of whether or not we're friends.
regardless of what rumors you've spread.
regardless of what you've done to try to break me.
Because no matter what you do to me, we were friends once, and i don't just close friends off like that. I'm not saying we'll always be friends, I'm just saying I'll always care deep down.
This is just to let you know that I'm praying for you.
I'm praying for you to figure some things out.

from,

someone more mature than you.

the piano.

She sat down silently
on that solid oak bench
and smoothly clicked on the light.
While she quietly slid her fingers into position,
she heard the familiar click of the television.
Biting her lip, she softly pressed the keys.
Steadily painting a picture of sound,
building a musical wall against her troubles.
But that wall began to crumble,
as the television slowly crescendoed in the background,
and her hopes started to diminuendo.
She trudged on,
pouring her soul onto those
sad, monochromatic ivory strips,
Trying to tune out the steady increase of the television volume.
As the roar of the tube grew louder.
Quieter and quieter she became
until there was but a whisper;
A whisper of hope left beneath
the embankment of tribulations.
A tear silently slid down her fair cheek,
as she reached up and smoothly clicked off the light.
And the ensuing darkness soon engulfed everything
except the glow of the television set.

Story

We were driving home from His house, very late on a cold, snowy eve.
The stop sign was approaching quickly.
"Are you going to stop or what?" i inquired.
"I'm trying"he said quickly.
I held my breath as i heard the brakes lock.
The car started skidding, slowly, then more uncontrollably.
I gasped as the car spun all the way around and flew into a ditch.
A large wooden telephone pole caught my eye, and i prayed we didnt hit it.
When i opened my eyes, the car was stopped.
I looked around, and noticed the telephone pole, less than a foot in front of the car.
It hit me: If we had been going one mph faster,
we would have hit it head on.
and possibly died.
He put the car in reverse, and we slowly backed out, back onto the road.
We sat there for a moment, and he turned to face me.
"i almost killed us. More importantly, i almost killed you."
I will never forget the desophoric sincereity in his eye that night.

seven.

so sadly, here's another blog about alex.
i'm not addicted, i swear, i just write whatever's passing through my mind, and here it is:

i love him.
like, i can't find words.
want to know exactly why i love him?

• he doesnt get jealous, like other guys.
• he doesnt give me any reason to be jealous.
• he doesnt flirt with other girls.
• he makes me laugh.
• he knows when something is wrong, and stops at nothing to find out what it is and make it better.
• the way he looks at me... its not "i want in your pants" or "sure, i guess i love you." its a "i love you so much that not a single word could every start to explain"
• he believes in my dreams.
• he usually picks me over his friends.
• he knows what to say to touch my heart.
• he gets along with my parents very well. they love him.
• he buys me stuff to show he cares. i wish he wouldn't. =P
• we can be together all day, and not get sick of each other, and still complain about having to leave.
• i can't stay mad at him for more than a day.
• he does very cute, spontaneous things. (chocolate malts, climbing trees, counting the stars...)
• he will never leave me, i can just tell.
• when he does something wrong, he does everything in his power to make it better.
• his friends are nice.
• he doesnt care what any body thinks of him.
• he's so awkward and cute.
• he's very stubborn, he doesnt change himself and what he's about.
• we have shared interests.
• we're polar opposites.
• he's not like other boys- not addicted to porn/masturbating/video games.
• he's smart, great plans for his future.

all this, bottled up in a single soul? seems impossible, right?
and did i happen to mention that he's in love with me?

sixmunths.

its been 6 months.

already?

and we've just begun.

who knows where this will take us.

I am happy.

I was doing a lot of thinking today, and here's what i landed at.

I'm very happy with my life.

• I get along with my parents better than most people.
• My parents get along, not divorced, or dead.
• I have multiple groups of friends.
• Each group of friends is amazing.
• I'm very smart, currently in a college class, and a TAG class.
• I have pretty much the most amazing boyfriend i could ask for.
• For the most part, I am healthy.
• Most people like me.
• I have found what i love to do: piano && photography.
• I have a large family, all of whom i l0ve and am loved by.
• I have a nice job, that doesn't conflict with my social life.
• I have a pretty cool car, that works for me.
• Even though my ipod was stolen, i have my other ipod.
• I have an amazing DSLR camera, and 4 other old cameras which are ballin'.

I could ramble on forever, but i won't.

I just want you to know that


I am happy.

Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

him.

Him: Heidi, I need to talk to you. Its important.
Me: Okay...
Him: I can't do this anymore. Any of it.
Me: ?
Him: My parents wont let me use the phone at all, I have no internet, I'm grounded indefinately, I have no phone, and they're watching me at all the games, So I can't think of any way of talking to you.
Me: Oh...
Him: Heidi, We can't be friends anymore. I can't keep doing this to you. I'm so sorry...

Thats what its all about.

preps.

I've always wondered if they're really happy.

I mean, yeah, they smile, but they smile glamourous smiles. smiles intended to make them look hot. don't they ever just smile because they're happy?

Or do they even know what happy is?

All the pictures I see of them are about the same:

Pushing their makeup-coated cheeks together, they flash a big, white, perfect smile for the camera.

Their versions of inside jokes usually consist of something like saying "i love you" at the same time, or "your mom" jokes.

I finally took the time to take a step back and realize what they really are. What they're really about. And it makes me all the more grateful that i'm not one of them.

I'm thankful i have this:

Why take a ":)" picture, when you could take a "xP" picture?

And i finally realized that true friendship may not always be glamourous,

At least not on the outside. But on the inside,

Friendship is beautiful.

A Picture is Worth 1000 words.