try to focus on the positives in your life. and if you're too down to find any positives in your life, focus on the positives in life in general. like smell the lilacs, or watch the sunset, or blow the dandelion seeds into the wind.

=/

I had a horrible time last night at prom. My depression was especially bad. You never hugged me once last night, do you know that? That’s what went through my head every time you ran off to hug another girl. And all I could think about was how much prettier all those other girls were, and how much more fun you’d have with them instead of me. But I didn’t want to ruin your senior prom. I tried so hard to be happy when all I wanted to do was cry. I had to leave the room a couple times because I couldn’t hold back the tears. I just wanted to disappear. So I’m sorry if I ruined your prom night.

Is this how love is supposed to go?

I remember when you used to fill my inbox with all kinds of cute messages. and you texted me so often that i had to empty it once a day. But now, i have a weekfull of occasional “yea’s” and “ok’s”. Am i that easy to get bored of?

Maybe i’m being unreasonable. But in the month we’ve been dating, you’ve only driven to my house 4 times. and 2 of them were to pick me up for prom. I’ve spent almost my entire paycheck last month to pay for gas to drive to see you. But you’re the one with the better job. How does that work out? I wouldn’t mind it, but i seem to be the only one trying in this relationship. All i ask is for you to throw me a reply when i text you. you know, within the same hour. and maybe call me once or twice a week? maybe thats too much to ask.

i want to love you, i really do. but love is a two way street, hun. and you got a real weird way of showing your end of the deal. a cute face and a good taste in music alone isnt gonna keep this relationship going much longer.

Is this how love is supposed to go?

I remember when you used to fill my inbox with all kinds of cute messages. and you texted me so often that i had to empty it once a day. But now, i have a weekfull of occasional “yea’s” and “ok’s”. Am i that easy to get bored of?

Maybe i’m being unreasonable. But in the month we’ve been dating, you’ve only driven to my house 4 times. and 2 of them were to pick me up for prom. I’ve spent almost my entire paycheck last month to pay for gas to drive to see you. But you’re the one with the better job. How does that work out? I wouldn’t mind it, but i seem to be the only one trying in this relationship. All i ask is for you to throw me a reply when i text you. you know, within the same hour. and maybe call me once or twice a week? maybe thats too much to ask.

i want to love you, i really do. but love is a two way street, hun. and you got a real weird way of showing your end of the deal. a cute face and a good taste in music alone isnt gonna keep this relationship going much longer.

Heidi's Pet Peevs.

I was being ranty and bitchy today, and i compiled a list of all my pet peevs.

1. People who only take pictures of themselves and consider it photography. I mean. I don't care how damn cute you are. Look into modeling then.

2. Posers, who are like "Oh, i'm way cute, cause i still play with pokemon and action figures! :)"
But really, they don't know anything about that, and they're just trying to be cute.

3. Peopleee whooo talkkk likkeee thissssssss causseeee itssss "cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

4. The girls who are like "Oh, i'm such a tomgirl." and make up stories about their "boyish" past, just to be "CUTE"

5. The whiney tone that some girls use to get attention, like "awwww, tonnnniiiiiieeeeee, pleeeeeeeeeese?"

6. I hate fake laughs. like, the ones built for one purpose: to get attention. Laughs are meant to express happiness, not make you sound "cute."

7. When girls always add "txttttt/calllll the celll!!:) 319-###-####!!" at the end of every status update. i mean, why would you even put your number on there? gross.

I also realized that most of these are when girls are constantly trying to be "cute."
i mean, whatever.
hoes.

Am I really "OK"?

he was my everything. now, he's my nothing. can't he be my something?

I realized.

I talked about him all the time, because I needed to reassure myself.

I stuck up for him all the time, because i wanted to believe what i was saying was true.

Sometimes, he would sneakily tear my confidence down, without me even noticing. it got to the point where i barely believe in myself anymore.

He made me think that he was all the better i deserved.

I dated him for 9 fucking months.

Really… what was i thinking? I’m glad I made this mistake. I’m glad. Cause now i wont make another. Because unlike you, i learn from my mistakes.

I don’t miss him.

I find it hard to believe I used to love him.

After those messages he sent, i barely even care anymore.

People were nice to him just because of me.

Thats 9 months of my life i’m never getting back.

Update on my life.

In case we havent talked in a while, this is for you.

1) Me and Alex broke up.
He skipped my 16th birthday party to play videogames.

2) Now, alex is being a huge dick.
"this is the last im talking to you this summer, i cant stand it anymore, you are being so fucking two faced i dont know what the fuck you want from me. i fucking told you we could save it but you were too fucking wraped up in your precious mychal to fucking give me a chance. i cant talk or think of you without getting pissed then depressed and wanting to break into tears. the blood of my destroyed heart is on YOUR hands and it forever will be. hope fucking mychal is worth losing me, prolly forever. i earsed all your phoney love messeges from my phone because they were never true. and your note? you took EVERYTHING i said to you about how we could save us and said it to me. im gone, this is my goodbye"

3) Good news? Mychal.
We're dating. Here's how:
He gave me a mailbox, filled with animals he won from a crane machine.
and a envelope. inside, was my 2 favorite pokemon cards, and a note asking me out.
so of course i said yes =]

4) I'm grounded, until tuesday. =/ so if i havent replyed to your texts, i dont hate you.

5) I'm definately pumped for next weekend. =]

6) I'm getting to know Holly Hildreth (MY FREAKIN' PHOTO IDOL) through mychal. she said she likes me, and she likes my pictures!!!!11one

7) I bought a laptop for 700$. =P

8) Eight things? i'm lame.

butyeah.

well...

1:25amMychal
i don't know that any girl has ever made me smile in my life as much as you have this past week. i think you're really something special. just too good to be true

1:27amMychal
You know why i slept last night? cuz i was thinkin about my new friend. and i was excited for today and i knew that in my dream, you would surely be there. all very good reasons to sleep. i haven't slept like that in almost a year.

1:28amHeidi
and you told me i couldnt help you sleep. :)

1:30amMychal
well i didn't think so at the time. and i'm oprolly gonna sleep well again tonight. i have the image of the left side of your face in my head. cuz, not to be creepy, but i think i looked at you almost as much as the movie. i don't know why. i just couldn't look away for very long

1:31amHeidi
=]]]

1:31amMychal
sorry if that's creepy =/

1:31amHeidi
its actually really not creepy. not to me at least.
i just dont see why..

1:33amMychal
why what?

1:33amHeidi
why you like me as much as you say you do.

1:35amMychal
cuz you're simply amazing. you're kind, caring, fun, funny, cute, you make me happy when i'm with or talking to you, i just, i don't know, i'm just drawn to you. i think you're amazing.

1:36amHeidi
i don't know if i've told you this, but i really like you.

1:40amHeidi
can i tell you a secret?

1:40amMychal
yes

1:40amHeidi
promise not to laugh

1:40amMychal
yes
promise.

1:41amHeidi
tonight, in the theatre, i really wanted to hold your hand. but i was afraid it would creep you out.
sorry if thats awkward. i wanted to tell you.

1:42amMychal
can i tell you a secret?

1:42amHeidi
what?

1:44amMychal
i did too... but it was way before the theater

1:44amHeidi
like when?

1:44amMychal
like at the mall. and in the car when we were lost but you were driving

1:45amHeidi
that was so embarrasing. lol.

1:45amMychal
it happens... but like... i really wanted too.

1:45amHeidi
so did i.

1:46amMychal
why didn't you?

1:47amHeidi
like i said, i thought you were kind of out of my league, and i didnt want to scare you and lose you as a friend.

1:47amMychal
out of your league? seriously? like? really? did you get dropped as a child? it is literally the other way around

1:49amHeidi
well, you're in college, i'm in high school. you have lots of really popular friends and such, i'm just a cheerleader, you're you, and i'm me.

1:49amMychal
if you'll scroll up you'll notice that i like you.
a lot.
bunches.

1:50amHeidi
if you could read minds, you'd understand how much i like you.


"i want to ask you out so badly, you don't even know. i'm just... you're so amazing. i can't even believe you're real. i don't wanna screw up when i do."

Starts with goodbye

today, i was editing my calendar on my ipod.
On the 28th, there was an event that said "Me and alex's 10 month! <33"
Tears gathered in my eyes and i clicked the 'delete event' button
A message then popped up that said "this is a repeating event, would you like to delete all future events?" i felt the tears roll down as i clicked yes.
because there wouldnt be any more anniversaries.

last night, i couldnt sleep until 2 AM. then, i woke up bawling 15 minutes later, after having a bad dream, about him, of course.
i climbed into bed with my mom, like a young child afraid of a thunderstorm. but this is one thunderstorm that is going to linger for a long time.
i don't know when this will end.
i don't know if this will end.
and i don't even know if i want it to end.
yes, i still love him. yes, i know he hurt me a lot, and i shouldn't love him.

when will this make sense? all anyone tells me is "it will get better, blah blah blah"
and you're probably reading this, thinking "she's overreacting, she doesnt know what she wants, this is normal for her to have these doubts."

i really dont think i've ever been "normal", but truely, only time will tell.
i can't go on living my life like this.
the only thing i've eaten since sunday is some goldfish and cream cheese. i've lost 6 pounds in 3 days. i'm not trying to be anorexic, i just can't bring myself to eat.

and i never realized how many parts of my life were attached to him. i can't go to flagland without remembering our picnic. i can't wear my necklaces without the image of him putting it on me coming. i can't use my phone without seeing the old messages from him. and all the parts of my house, we had once sat there, happy and carefree. i can't do anything without thinking about him. and i can't think about him without tears coming to my eyes.

last night, i played the piano for the first time in a while. i played until i couldnt see the notes through my tear-filled eyes, as i remembered that i recorded that song, and put it on his ipod, and he listened to it. he liked it.

Starts with Goodbye

Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.